I Cussed At God… Once

There is not a combination of “right” words you can say to make God hear you any more than he already does.

I really did! That’s not a typo. I cussed at God…

But before I tell you that story, let me tell you this one…

I was about 14 years old, 120 lbs, and had way too much confidence. My dad started correcting me and my brother for something I’m sure we deserved. I don’t remember what frustrated him, but I have no doubt Bradley and I didn’t do something we were supposed to or did do something we shouldn’t have. So in the middle of my dad telling us what to do, I spoke up to defend myself. Just before the words, “Why are you B*#$%@!N at me” came out of my mouth, I caught myself.

I almost cussed at my dad! I’m sure it would not have been a pretty sight if I did.

However, I wasn’t able to “catch” myself before I cussed at God. I would love to say this was before I was a Christian. I can’t. I would also love to say that this was before Bible college, but no again. I had actually completed college and was on my way to pursue ministry. I don’t know what happened that day, but for some reason, I was disappointed and mad. I was frustrated. It was not a good moment for me. I don’t remember what happened that made it so bad, but I will never forget that moment when I cussed at God.

Here is what happened… Because of whatever had frustrated me that day, I chose to spend some time alone that night to pray. I probably prayed for about 30 minutes to an hour and to be honest, I wasn’t really sure if God understood what I was dealing with. I was trying to explain to Him what was wrong, and how whoever shouldn’t have done whatever they did to me, but He wasn’t getting it… And I was getting even more frustrated. So I began to sprinkle my prayer with some more “aggressive” language. At first, I’m sure I just said things like, “This is crap God” or “Why the heck did You let that happen” or “I freaking hate this”. I’m sure I sounded like a 13-year-old who was trying to impress the 17-year-old by saying “grown-up words”. Pitiful, I know…

But still, it was like God wasn’t hearing me. Or He wasn’t listening…

That’s when I did it. I cussed at God. Right in the middle of my prayer. “@!*% God, why aren’t you listening!? This !@%&#@ sucks!”

I kept praying after that for a few minutes, but eventually just went back inside and fell asleep.

I woke up feeling disappointed in myself. I didn’t get my way, so I decided to take it out verbally on God. Don’t get me wrong, God can take it, but He shouldn’t have had to. I wonder how often we make God our punching bag…

Here are a couple things I learned from that moment.

  1. Though I was disappointed with my actions, I am sure it was refreshing for God for me to finally take off the mask. Stop trying to say all of the “right things” when you pray, and start saying the real things! What is really on your mind and heart. What you are really going through. Speak the truth, and don’t try and hide who you are. There is not a combination of “right” words you can say to make God hear you any more than he already does. 
  2. I walked away from that prayer almost as if I was putting space between God and me. Like I messed up, so let’s both take a breather. However, God did not walk away from me. The Bible says He will never leave us or forsake us. God doesn’t need space. God doesn’t need a breather. His wrath was poured out on Jesus for us so we could be close to Him.
  3. It wasn’t about the specific words I used, as much as my intent with the words. Anger and frustration were flowing from me. From my heart. God deserves our honor and our worship 100% of the time! I think this was the thing bothering me most about that moment. I treated God like someone I could push around. Like someone small. Like someone that needed to understand me. He is the creator. He is Big. He is wonderful and amazing. There is none like Him. God is our friend, but that does not mean we should be irreverent towards Him.
  4. Lastly, I prayed again the next day and the day after. I have prayed every day since then. God didn’t hold my mistake over my head, or make me start back at the beginning. I told God, I’m sorry for speaking to you like that, and he forgave me. Because that is who God is. He forgives.

Maybe you have put some distance between you and God because you feel like you did something so horrible, that He doesn’t want anything to do with you. Nothing could be further from the truth! God desires to be close to you. Open your heart and speak to Him again. Open your life and let Him back in. He isn’t holding anything over you. Even as you read this, I pray you find healing from the hurt and restoration with the God who loves you.

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